I came into this job knowing it would be different, but, in general, I felt pretty prepared for the job.
I cried more the first two days on the job than I had the previous two years combined. I felt totally out of my element. I felt out of control. I didn’t know what in the world I had just gotten myself into.
I had left my college teaching job for…this? For kids who hated math? For kids who were glued to their cell phones? For kids who had full conversations with each other while I was trying to teach?
What. Had. I. Done?
And then I remembered why I took the job in the first place. I remembered what one of my dear professors and mentors had asked me, “Rebecka, where will you make the biggest difference?”
So, I (eventually) decided to leave my pity party and start focusing on why I had taken the job in the first place—the kids. The loud, boisterous, glued-to-their-phones, disillusioned-with-math kids.
Slowly, but very surely, I started falling in love with these crazy kids. I think it was the little, daily decisions, like these. I think was it choosing to be thankful for my job and for the opportunity to love on kids who might not get that love elsewhere. I think it was making small, conscious choices like speaking quietly and respectfully even when a kid lost his temper at me; like stroking a little girl’s hair whether she was doing what I wanted her to be doing or not; like keeping granola bars in my desk for kids who got hungry. I don’t know if those little things changed my kids’ opinions of me. But, I do know this: it changed the way I viewed them. Those little things weren’t for the students (even though at first I thought they were)—they were for me. When I started serving my kids, I changed. When I started being grateful for them, I transformed.
I love my job.
I can’t imagine going back to college teaching any time soon. I love my kids. I love that I get the opportunity to be around some of the coolest teenagers in the nation every single day. I love that I have the chance to change their minds about mathematics. I love that I work at a place that encourages academic research and collaboration in order to benefit the children of our community. I love belonging to a district that just about everyone is proud to be a part of. I love that I get to belong and make others feel belonged.
Was every day easy?
Was ANY day easy?
Were there days I did NOT want to go back into my classroom?
Were there times I messed up like crazy with the kids? Times I missed opportunities to love on them? Times I lost my temper? Times I wanted them to leave, just please leave? Times I felt like a failure?
More than I can count. Much more.
But, in the end, I feel the good outweighed the bad by a long shot. Because, I’m a better person now than I was in August. And I have my job to thank for that.
There’s a lot I want to work on. If there’s one thing I learned this year it’s this: you have to capture a kid’s heart before you can capture her mind. I know I captured some hearts this year; but there are also hearts I’m pretty sure I didn’t capture.
I wrote letters to all my (140) students this week. And I was disappointed by how many of them I really didn’t know all that well. I wanted to write kind, personal notes. And while I know my students’ personalities and their tendencies, I don’t necessarily know all my kids. I know some of them. But not all. Yeah, 140 kids is a lot, but after a whole year with them, I should know more about them.
So, that’s what I’ll be focusing more on next year. What do my kids do at home? Who are their friends outside my classroom? Where do they want to travel and what do they want to see? What are their dreams and aspirations?
If you have any bright ideas as to how you facilitate these conversations, I’m all ears.
This is long. If you’ve made it this far, you deserve a medal. But, this was a pretty life-changing year for me, and I wanted to reflect and document. I never thought I’d be teaching at a public high school, let alone one with 3200 kids in grades 10-12. I, myself, was homeschooled and specifically pursued a Master’s so I could go teach at the college level and skip the whole high school crowd.
But this is where I belong. A friend of mine recently had a baby girl. As I watched her hold her daughter, I said, “Man, you are such a natural. It’s like you’ve had her your whole life.” She responded, “This is what I was made to do. I’ve always wanted to be a mamma.” In that moment, I knew exactly what she meant. Because that’s how I feel about teaching. I just never thought my teaching career would take me here.
I’m so glad it did.
Made me cry.